Plans

good to have and also to be flexible with

Hello folks, Chris (aka Hubbs) here. Jess asked me to post an update. Here goes.

This past Sunday, Jess woke with some new, very uncomfortable symptoms - the most distressing of which were pretty severe vertigo, extreme weakness, and anxiety - in addition to what have long become her ever present companions, nausea and heaving. We called the hospice triage line and a nurse came right away, but after an hour or so when we still could not get on top of things, Jess chose to be admitted to the inpatient unit where she could receive more direct and constant care, in hopes of finding some comfort.

She could not walk even with the walker and needed to be carried from bed to bathroom and back. So though the hospice is only a few short blocks from our home, Jess felt too weak for a car ride and the nurse arranged for transport. This building we’re in is where Jess volunteered over these past few years, and while I’m sure every patient receive amazing care, she’s been especially well loved and cared for.

The first night Jess slept soundly and rested well. Last night was nearly the opposite. Today she received more meds to help with rest and they are doing their job. I’ve been sleeping overnight and in addition to the amazing staff here, we have family and friends around who are doing what’s needed. What’s called for. We are all taking care of each other and in turn, are being well taken care of. We know this is not a given and are endlessly grateful for it.

I brought over some items from Jess’ home altar to her room - essential oils, various totems, tokens and crystals, her stained glass Ganesha and Buddha print, and the little noise machine Jess had emitting bird songs the entire time during her admittance for treatment at the NIH. The space is quiet and peaceful. The hope was/is that she’d come in for a few nights, get comfortable, then come back to our home for her active dying…

I’ve learned from Jess, as many of you have, to cultivate hope. To be open to at leas the possibility of everything working out well. Still, we’re well past relying on plans and firm expectations. Each day it seems more likely that this very room is where we’ll say our final goodbyes.

And while this is obviously a sad turn and not the home death we’d planned for, Jess is at peace with the current state of things. Her main desire is to be as free of discomfort as possible and she knows that’s very possible and within reason here. She’s teaching me still.

Jess is resting as I type this. I’m in a chair at her feet and she’s mumbling in her sleep. It sounds like she’s talking to someone. Or to many people. I imagine she’s speaking with all the many people she’s loved and been loved by from near and far over her vibrant life. Maybe those on both sides of the veil. Maybe she’s talking to you.

Thanks for all the love and support,
Jess & Chris

May all beings be safe.
May all beings be peaceful and at ease.
May all beings be okay in this moment, exactly as it is.