Sleep, Interrupted

random 1am thoughts

It’s Wednesday, September 13th, 2023, 1:39am. 

I wake up thirsty and having to use the restroom. 

My chemo pump is on the floor beside me and I have to remember to take it with me as I get up.

I can’t quite call it insomnia but this feeling of being suddenly awake during the middle of the night has become a bit of a habit during chemo infusions. 

So, instead of laying there trying to will myself to sleep, as I’ve tried many nights unsuccessfully, I get up and decide to write. 

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Sleep, Interrupted

It’s become a bit predictable at this point,
Though I try to coach and coax myself out of it,

Despite my best efforts, the regular routine of planning and prepping
for a night of restful sleep doesn’t always work.

Screens are off, face is washed, teeth are cleaned,
Gratitude journal done and a book to drift me off to sleep.

Normally, this works like a charm but sometimes, especially while on chemo,
I wake up like clockwork at 1:30am.

Is that my pump I hear?
When will I be done with this?

Oh man I have to pee!
Or actually, maybe I have to poo.

Ouch, I’m laying on my port and the needle!
When will I be able to get this thing out of me?

I need to write my next post.
Let me draft it in my head.

Maybe a sleep meditation will help.
(an hour later) Well that didn’t work.

Where should we travel next?
How far in advance is it safe to plan for?

It’s so hot in here!
I’m freezing and my extremeties are going to fall off.

Tomorrow I have to do x, y² and z+1!
Or I could go to see a movie and get popcorn.

Should I learn the drums -or- pick the piano back up?
I’ll create a poll on IG and see what everyone thinks.

My toes and feet are so numb and feel like stubs.
When will this neuropathy get better?

Did anyone like my post?
Now is not the time to check -and- does it really matter?

My grandson is so precious.
How much time will I get to spend with him?

A list that only seems to get longer as I lay there wishing myself back to sleep. 
I’ve learned that laying there only makes it worse. 

So I get up. 
I make a cup of Sleepytime tea. 

I grab my journal and a book. 
No screens. 

I go to the office, get cozy on the loveseat under a blanket.
I write and read until my mind is clear of the list and sleepiness returns. 

I crawl back into bed, lay my pump back on the floor, covering it with pillows to muffle the mechanical sounds.

I’m reminded how grateful I am to have a warm bed, next to the love of my life, sleeping so peacefully, and that, 

right now, 

All is good in my world.

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With love and gratitude,

Jess